Fashion Advice

Well we've been in Vogue twice haven't we? I thought it was about time I let you into the secrets of fashion.

It's easy really. I call it the "stopped clock" theory of fashion. Pick a style, any style, then stick to it. Do not change. Most of the time you will be hopelessly off trend. You may even feel like a total dick when you're out in the trendy places. You might even find yourself being invited to parties then turning up, seeing everyone else walking in and just thinking "NOOOOOO I CAN'T DO IT!" and going home again. But these minor tribulations will be compensated for one day. Trust me.

Fashion goes in cycles. Eventually you will be ahead of the trend. You might notice people peeking at your shoes on the bus or glancing over their shoulders as you walk past them in the street. (Note: You might also get this in the complete dick phase)

Next thing you know your work colleagues are wearing similar shoes and stuff. Then you open a magazine one Sunday and LO! You see a picture of a lovely looking bloke (or lady if you're one of them) dressed just like you.

It's time to party. Get out there. Age is no barrier! Get down the clubs and tell the kids what it was like first time around. (Note: It may be worth going to the gym or some crap like that first or you may find you get yrself a hernia.) Strut your funky stuff (or whatever) get chatted up by teens (ok, maybe that was just someone asking directions) and live the fashionista dream.

Sadly, like all good things on this forsaken planet, it will not last. You will be off trend again soon. By then though, you will be fed up of setting trends and being a fashion superstar. By the time your style comes around again you will be ready - older and more enthusiastic - and less able to feel shame!

At present I would describe my style as "lumberjack pretending to be someone dull working in a bookshop". Think Hugh Grant crossed with Neil Young. I am wearing walking books and a plaid shirt combined with a thin woolen jumper and green corduroy trousers. Hair styled by my own fair hand raked through it this morning...