Warning: This post contains very strong language. Please don't complain about it.
Disclaimer: I've only ever read the first 12 pages of Lord of the Rings before becoming so bored I wanted to chew my fingers off. The following is based upon my viewing of the final installment of the film franchise seen tonight on the usually reliable sky movies.
So... we want to re-establish the dominion of men after the all powerful and all evil control of the lord Sauron - the big eye in the sky - or as we all really know it as, that giant flaming cunt. Let's face it, it's not an eye, the source of all evil according to Tolkien and the world of men is a huge, all-seeing engorged vagina. An all powerful cunt, forever distant atop a towering yet blackened phallus, a phallus never quite allowed to touch the almighty power of the all-seeing cunt. And who does this world of men send to defeat the vagina - tiny men. Tiny, midget, hairy hobbits. And what do they need to defeat this cunt - A Ring. The symbol of marriage, partnership, domesticity and the vagina's control of men. To destroy the cunt tiny, yet strong, men must toss this ring into the fires of Doom. To destroy the power of the engorged vagina midgets must travel to Doom, melt the ring and recover the kingdom of men. Mmmm. (These tiny men have huge feet. You know what they say about the size of a mans foot)
But it's the arbitrariness of fantasy fiction I can't take either. Faced with an enemy (of a black, let's not go down the race track... evil army) when required the good white men can summon an army of ghosts. Erm... where'd they come from? And then a fleet of giant eagles appear just when you need them. And of course you've always got the pointy-eared elves to help out. And those darky orcs seem to die pretty darn easy too.
LOTR was voted britains favourite book recently. It's not mine. I fucking can't stand it.