Tuesday, March 20, 2007

If football teams were art movements

Chelsea - Italian Futurists. Vaguely fascist obsessives about the beauty of the relentlessly driving machine. If Boccioni's sculpture above isn't the wet dream of Mourinho's perfect player then I don't know what is.
Arsenal - Could be a few here. Sometimes Art Nouveau, all style no substance. Sometimes Bauhaus, elegant simplicity. At their best, definitely Surrealist, Breton and Duchamp rather than Dali and Magritte, dreams rearranging themselves as reality.
Reading - Pointillist. The whole is more than the sum of its parts.
Man Utd - Impressionists. The football team supported by people who don't really like football.
Liverpool - Conceptual Art. Sometimes comes together in brilliance. Sometimes not. Work in progress.
Fulham - Arts and Crafts. Folksy, twee. Craven cottage anyone?
Spurs - Fauvism. Colourful, sometimes beautiful but destined to forever remain on the fringes of the major movements.
West Ham - Expressionism. Emotional and full of Angst.
Bolton/Blackburn/Everton/Wigan - Brutalists. Does what it says on the tin.
Newcastle - Abstract expressionist. Think they're more important than they actually are.
Watford - Magic realism. About to wake up from a really nice dream.
Sheffield United - Constructivist. Honest, hard-working idealists.
Man City/Villa/Boro/Charlton - Erm, any ideas?


  1. Oi..I don`t support Man U because I don`t like football.

  2. Boy, you really like footie. I am still wrapping my head around Pinter and Stoppard digging cricket so much. Cheers.

  3. Susan, I know you're old school. I'm talking about Keano's prawn sandwich brigade. Same type as the Monet tea towel buyer.

  4. Man City - Viennese Actionism: it can only be a matter of time before Joey Barton cuts off his own nob.

  5. Fulham as Arts and Crafts, fair cop I suppose...

    Mind you, what about Al-Fayed?

    The day he walked round the pitch with his arm round Michael Jackson was pretty fucking Surreal!

  6. Lee - why do I love football?

    I take the whole question of "belief" with a pinch of salt. If I have to believe in something nuts it might as well be that Fulham are by far the greatest team the world has ever seen.

    I also see in football a beautiful representation of the Universe as I understand it - anything is possible. But things only happen once.

    Then there is the whole yelling thing. I mean I spend all day being civilised in a bookshop. When I have some free time I really like to yell and drink and jump around...

    Canadians go for Hockey eh?