Chelsea - Italian Futurists. Vaguely fascist obsessives about the beauty of the relentlessly driving machine. If Boccioni's sculpture above isn't the wet dream of Mourinho's perfect player then I don't know what is.
Arsenal - Could be a few here. Sometimes Art Nouveau, all style no substance. Sometimes Bauhaus, elegant simplicity. At their best, definitely Surrealist, Breton and Duchamp rather than Dali and Magritte, dreams rearranging themselves as reality.
Reading - Pointillist. The whole is more than the sum of its parts.
Man Utd - Impressionists. The football team supported by people who don't really like football.
Liverpool - Conceptual Art. Sometimes comes together in brilliance. Sometimes not. Work in progress.
Fulham - Arts and Crafts. Folksy, twee. Craven cottage anyone?
Spurs - Fauvism. Colourful, sometimes beautiful but destined to forever remain on the fringes of the major movements.
West Ham - Expressionism. Emotional and full of Angst.
Bolton/Blackburn/Everton/Wigan - Brutalists. Does what it says on the tin.
Newcastle - Abstract expressionist. Think they're more important than they actually are.
Watford - Magic realism. About to wake up from a really nice dream.
Sheffield United - Constructivist. Honest, hard-working idealists.
Man City/Villa/Boro/Charlton - Erm, any ideas?