Tuesday, January 15, 2008

The Curious Incident of the Hedgepig in Morrisons : No 2 In An Occasional Series Illustrating The Extreme Dangers Faced By The Toys Of Small Children

I'm sure you've all heard of the humble hedgehog? Beloved delicacy of the tinker and worm-eater extraordinaire? And the sheep-pig? Beloved creation of Dick King-Smith? Well Finn has (had) a Hedgepig...

Hedgepig was small and his spines were soft. To make matters worse there was a hole in his belly for fingers. From time to time he would be relaxing in the buggy when some idiot would come along, stuff a finger in his belly and wiggle him around in front of a screaming chieftain known as Finn the Merciless (by his toys). It was clear from an early stage that Hedgepig's time on earth was going to be nasty, brutal and short.

And so it proved.

On a trip to Morrisons in Peckham (take a left at the sixth ring of Hell and you are nearly there) the Hedgepig was receiving some serious Finn Love in the form of snot-wiping and general chewing etc. While mum was selecting fine premium ale for dad to drink his pigness was presumably hurled onto the floor. We must presume since there were no witnesses to the incident. It could indeed have been a desperate, suicidal even, attempt at escape.

Still the result was not in doubt. Finn spent the rest of the time in Morrisons yelling "PIIIG PIIIIG PIIIIG" and mum had to smile and shrug at various "large" people in an attempt to convince them he wasn't shouting in their direction. The Hedgepig was reported missing at customer services and a search party slouched around the ails for all of thirty seconds before abandoning hope.

Hedgepig has gone.

(Wipes away a tear)

If you're out there Hedgepig - snuffle on!

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