Thursday, December 14, 2006

Drunk and disorderly

About quarter to seven last night, 3 customers in the shop, in staggers one of santa's little helpers, steaming drunk and swaying and lurching all over the place. (He had a santa hat on, was leaning on a crutch and a face that looked like it had one too many arguments with the pavement)

Oh bollocks.

'Alright mate, can I help you?'

'Naw, wanna buy book'

'Anything you're looking for'

'Got money in ma pocket. I wanna buy sommat'

Ooookaaaay. Off he lurches and I naturally follow him.

'A'm not a thief. Wanna buy'

Other three customers getting tense. What to do?

'Look mate, I think you'd be better off at home. Why don't you go?'

'Not leaving, call the police'

'No, I think you need to leave now. Please go.'

Repeat those two sentences ad nauseum.

So now we're standing by the till and I see him start to slightly bend over and fiddle with his trousers. Oh christ, he's going to take a piss on the till. He really is. WHAT TO DO. I grabbed his arm and started to drag him out the shop when he wheeled around, picked up his crutch and threatened to hit me over the head. Great.

'Don't fuckin' touch me!'

'Out now'

'Touch me again and I'll kill ya'

'Out now'

'All your windows are gonna be broke in the mornin' ha ha'

I don't think so. We've got shutters.

'Out now'

And before leaving he dribbles out some spit onto the carpet. Charming.

Amazingly, I remained extremely calm throughout. I even realised that if he hit me with the crutch it wouldn't hurt much because it was one of those lightweight aluminium jobs. And there were three male customers still there. The thing is though, what to do if he comes back? Any suggestions? We do have a 4-iron sitting behind the till...


  1. 4-iron unwieldy, no? I'd swap it for one of those little mallet-style putters. Even then, the concentration of weight in the head makes it feel like the wrong tool for the job. There's a reason why the baseball bat is a classic.

  2. Has to be a cricket bat if you are in England. Very stylish deterrent.

  3. Call me. It's actually easier for women to get rid of these kind of drunks. The last thing to go is their residual sense of chivalry. And they never threaten us with violence.

    Crack-heads, though, that's another matter...

  4. He said he had money. He said he wanted to buy something. A copy of "Earth from the Air" surely, and then escort him to the door.

    Think you missed a trick there...