Glastonbury - My Story (In the style of a celebrity biog now sitting beneath a table waiting to be returned in massive quantities)

Glastonbury - that's a festival.

But do you know what? It's a small town in Somerset too!

I took the wife and nipper down there after X-Mas 2007. The press were on my ass after a year of successful bookselling. In fact it was more than the press. Adam and I were fighting off the ladies (and a fair few lads too). It's a bugger being famous.

Pete Doherty said I'd love Glastonbury 'cos of all the drugs but when I got there there wasn't even a festival on. Only happens once a year they said. And it's not even in Glastonbury! It's in a little place called Pilton. That Pete! He's always off his head! Don't know why I ever listened to the daft muppet.

So there we were, parking the Ferrari in the town centre, the Maz all dolled up in Armani and I says to her "What do you fancy for lunch darlin'"

She's just looking around for the Paparazzi but there's no sign. Come to think of it everyone else is wearing stripy trousers and wizard hats. Not much call for Hello round here. The Maz is looking well miserable. "That woman has a magic wand! I can't be seen with these people! What are you trying to do to me!"

I explain it was all Pete's idea, that him and Kate caused a stir last year and it was in all the glossy mags. But the Maz is having none of it. A bloke strolls by eating a veggie burger and he's got hummus in his beard. Well that was the last straw. I step on the gas and we're out of that Hippie hole before the nanny has time to park her land cruiser with the nipper inside. I won't be going back there in a hurry! To make matters worse the nanny got involved in a prang just near Stone Henge.

Nightmare.