Just a few days to go before the sordid and gaudy carousel that is the Premiership kicks off for another season of unbeatable entertainment.
I know, I can hear you groaning but there's more...
As I never tire of telling people I support by far the greatest team the world has ever seen - Fulham FC. As usual the pundits have marked us for the drop. It happens every year. They look at the club and think to themselves something that goes a little bit like this:
There's an actual cottage in the corner of the ground.
This is a team with hardly any fans.
The fans that there are are all posh twits that only started watching football because they were conned into it during a massive shopping spree in Harrods.
They can't be a Premiership team can they?
Premiership teams are all hard and their fans break stuff and kill each other if they aren't divided by police on horses.
Needless to say they are wrong. (I could go off on one about all the reasons why FFC are so great but then you would see that life is too short)
Let's just say I am confident we'll be in the Premiership next season. I'll also point out that after beating Chelsea for the first time in a very very long time there was a pitch invasion. Posh twits don't invade pitches. And the Thames - we're by the Thames...I'm drifting aren't I...
But football is important and literary and linked to the occult.
It goes a little something like this:
David Peace publishes a book about Brian Clough's disasterous reign at Leeds Utd titled The Damned Utd.
Leeds Utd are relegated from the Championship to league 1.
David Peace releases an awesome new book Tokyo Year Zero and on the same day Leeds Utd are penalised with a 15 point deduction meaning they start this season at the bottom of the table on minus 15 points.
Now do you understand why it's so important to come and eat Sushi with David Peace on Wed 5th September at 1pm.