A Warning and Reminder: Everything you read on this blog is untrue, never happened and cannot be used in evidence against us...

...but luckily the camera strong enough to withstand the naked booty-shaking that took place in our living room this week has not been invented yet. It was all the fault of a long-neglected vinyl LP of African Funk music I re-discovered on top of a wardrobe. Matata's Talkin Talkin and Peter King's Ajo are two of the FUNKIEST tracks EVER RECORDED. Sadly they are also not available on youtube, seeqpod or any of the other dastardly pirate sites I would never ever visit in search of music so I cannot share them with you. But, if you are visiting this site then you are doubtless folk of some (diseased?) imagination - I'm sure you can picture the scene. Yeah, scary! I caught site of myself in a mirror "getting funky" and quit right away.

Backtracking slightly to my post about plastic bags, if you've ever read the delightfully retro Tiger Who Came To Tea by Judith Kerr you will have noticed the excellent string bag Sophie's mum goes shopping with at the end of the book. Proof that there was a time when plastic was so new they only made chairs, spacecraft and hairstyles out of it - couldn't waste such cool stuff on disposable shopping bags. It is also proof of a time when only dad went to work, mum did the shopping and the tiger, as well as drinking all the water in the taps, drank all DADDY's BEER. Chance would be a fine thing. In our poxy era it's dad spends most of his time trying to guzzle a quick bottle of Becks before mum has a chance to demolish it.

(The point approaches, slowly.)

Opening the paper this morning I make the mistake of reading an interview with James Lovelock. What an absolute arse. As well as telling us all we're all doomed - that we have 20 years before climate change really kicks in and that by 2100 80% of people will be dead - he goes on to add there's nothing anyone can do about it.

James James, you are 80. It's ok to think of everything being fu*ked in 20 years time since you will almost certainly be dead. Some of us hope to be alive. Some of us have children who will be celebrating their 21st birthdays around about then.

Why not come and join me in an attempt to follow Beyonce's moves in the video for Crazy in Love? It will be a bit like the time when my dad invented a new dance called the Penguin at our wedding. And the time when he inflicted said dance on a couple of young ladies at a disco in rural France. It was pretty bad. Most people said things along the lines of Oh My Gawd.

That's the reaction youth should have when experience gets out of control. I can see us now James. I'm shaking my booty and you've just slipped a disc trying to get your leg up "there". Young (1 and nine months) Finn is looking on shaking his head - dad dad dad, don't do that to yourself.

Meanwhile he will be working out a way to save us using hi-tech wizardry only an almost two year old could come close to conceiving of...